Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
