there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
