k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
