my mouth tastes like poor choices
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
All the doctor said was why
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
