Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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