I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
