I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
