Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Woke up backwards on a recliner
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
