I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
