Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
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