dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
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