I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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