you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
