yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
