Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I licked your asshole in confidence.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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