my soul wont recognize me after tonight
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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