Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
