I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
