You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize