Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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