OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
