for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
