bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
