my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
