I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
