I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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