I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Houston, we have a squirter
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize
