How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
