Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize