I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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