just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
