I haven't been this sober since birth.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
