I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
