fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
