Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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