Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
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