did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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