saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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