im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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