Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
