guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
