I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
if only i could text you this smell
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
