I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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