We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I just forgot I was standing up.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
