I am spending my child support on dildos
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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