Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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