i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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