ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
