when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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