Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
