I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
