U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Randomize
