My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
