i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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